A MUST TO BE READ:Resources for Dating and First Marriages-How Will I Know I Am In Love?

How Will I Know I Am In Love?

In our many interviews with people “in love” we ask them, perhaps, the most revealing question of the interview – “How will I know I am in love?” We have heard very consistent answers. While we have heard a number of answers to our “How do you know you are in love” question, we can place them in seven categories. And, perhaps surprisingly, they have stayed the same over our 25 years of research on couples in love.

To learn about these seven categories and see if you are really in love read
How Will I Know I Am In Love? or watch the YouTube video.

Up in the Air: The Five Steps in the Journey to Commitment

Falling in love with another human being is easy, but making a commitment to love them forever is “up in the air” for many people. We like the term “up in the air” for a whole bunch of reasons, primarily because it aptly describes the struggles so many folks go through when it comes to making a commitment to love somebody for a lifetime.

Read the article with The Five Steps in the Journey to Commitment

How Important Is Sex To A Marriage?

For starters, we all know that good sex can be fun, romantic, exciting, and something that makes most consenting adults feel warm and fuzzy all over. Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples, and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life. But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue – no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life!

And more importantly, when we ask successfully married couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage – to rank on a scale of 1-10 with 10 high – the average rank was only 6! This finding has held true over the nearly 27 years of our research. The results are hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a successful marriage.

Read the article How Important Is Sex To A Marriage?

Resource Articles For Dating and First Marriages

Top Ten Marriage Myths

Top Ten Marriage Myths and Truths

Improving your chances of marital success can be as easy as understanding the difference between myths and truths about marriage. For example, it is a fact that if you get married before the age of 24 in the USA, you have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced than those who get married at 25 and beyond. In fact, the divorce rate for those getting married after the age of 25 is only about 30% -- less than half the 65% divorce rate for those getting married before the age of 24!
The facts about marriage reveal that people who get married older, who have higher education levels, who do not have children when they get married, and who marry someone of their general social class, have a much higher chance of marital success than those who do not meet these thresholds. In the end, what really matters are the ”truths” about marriage, not the mythologies about marriage.
Here are our Top Ten Mythologies about Marriage in America based on our three decades of marriage research in 46 countries and on six of the world’s seven continents.
MYTHOLOGY 1 – Married couples have sex lives that are less satisfying than those who are not married. REALITY – Not true! In fact, the research evidence supports the opposite conclusion– those who are married have far better sex lives and enjoy it more than those who are not married. There is no debate in reputable circles about this fact!
MYTHOLOGY 2 – Cohabitation works as well as marriage. REALITY – Those who cohabitate are not as committed to their relationship as those who are married. In fact, those who cohabitate before marriage have a significantly higher divorce rate when married than those who have not cohabitated!
MYTHOLOGY 3 – Married women have a higher risk of domestic violence in their marriage than unmarried women. REALITY – Simply not true!! In fact, women who are married have a far LESS chance of being abused than those who cohabitate without being married.
MYTHOLOGY 4 – Marriage can survive infidelity. REALITY – While some marriages do in fact survive infidelity, the overwhelming majority do not. Think long and hard about what you will lose before you engage in infidelity.
MYTHOLOGY 5 – The more educated a women is the less likely she is to get married. REALITY – There is no basis in fact for this mythology. In fact, college educated women are more likely to get married than their less educated counterparts.
MYTHOLOGY 6 – Bringing children into a marriage strengthens the marriage. REALITY – Nora Ephron once said, “Having children is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage!” Children are wonderful, but they bring stress and challenges to a marital relationship. Be prepared for the ups and downs!
MYTHOLOGY 7 – When you get married you lose your individual identity for the benefit of the oneness of your marriage. REALITY – Nothing could be further from the truth. In the best marriages neither spouse loses their individual identity or subjugates their individual strengths.
MYTHOLOGY 8 – The one you are married to does not have to be your best friend. REALITY – Our three decades of research across cultures and continents reveals the opposite. In fact, the most successfully married couples report to us in our interviews with them that their best friend in life IS their spouse.
MYTHOLOGY 9– The most successfully married couples don’t argue. REALITY – Simply not true! In fact, all couples argue – those married successfully and those who are not. The difference is how they argue. The best marriages fight fair. If you decide to submerge your feelings, let the anger fester, and go to bed mad at each other – well, you are heading down a path that could ultimately lead to the destruction of your marriage. Arguing is healthy for a marriage. Just fight fair!
MYTHOLOGY 10 – There are no particular advantages to being married. REALITY – In our own research and in the research of others, there are clear advantages and benefits to being married including living longer, being healthier, and accumulating more wealth. The health benefits accrue more to men and the financial benefits more to wives.
The truth of the matter is this – the best marriages survive and thrive – many for a lifetime. And those successful marriages know the differences between truth and mythology. They practice truth and ignore the mythologies.

What to Say to the One You Love

We have learned lots of interesting and important lessons from the thousands of successfully married couples we have interviewed over the years – of that you can be sure. There is no question – the wisdom of these wonderful marriages humbles us when we are in their presence, and we have been married for nearly 43 years ourselves!

Over the years we have heard advice from successfully married couples regarding the five things you should say to your spouse everyday and the five things you should never say to your spouse!

First, the positive. The five things you should say to your spouse everyday:

1. I love you. These are the three favorite words of every spouse. It is a simple, direct, powerful, and highly meaningful statement. And don’t fall into the trap of so many couples who say, “Oh, I don’t need to tell him/her I love him/her. He/she knows I do. You still must still tell them multiple times each and every day.
2. I am so lucky to be married to you! If you want to touch the heartstrings of the one you love, tell them this. Just imagine, being reminded every day that you are a blessing to the one you share your life with.
3. You look beautiful (handsome)! There is a major truth we have learned over the years – successfully married couples really do find each other attractive. And you know why – because they look for the most positive characteristics in each other in both a psychological as well as a physical sense. Telling each other this daily is a powerful statement of love.
4. I would like your opinion about this or that. Successfully married couples have great admiration and respect for each other. They value each other’s opinions. Their most trusted advisor in life is their spouse. Ask their opinion and acknowledge their wisdom. They will love you for it.
5. And finally, everyday of your life with the one you love, point out one of their strengths. Try this – “Sweetheart, did I ever tell you how much I admire the positive way you treat others?” Or, “Honey, you have such wonderful taste in clothes!” Make sure the strength you highlight is a true strength, but each and every day, highlight one or more of the strengths of your soul-mate.

Just as important as saying the right thing to the one you love is to avoid saying statements that have the potential to destroy the foundation of the relationship. Saying just one wrong thing can negate an entire day of good statements and actions. Negative and hurtful statements can have the power to cut through the very fabric of the bond between two people in love.

Here are those five things you should NEVER say to your spouse:

1. It’s your fault! Sometimes, a financial decision goes bad, one of your children gets in trouble at school, or some household calamity occurs. And know this – things do go bad from time to time in any relationship. Decisions turn out wrong. Stuff happens! But the blame game never works! It alienates. It divides. It most certainly undermines trust and openness in your relationship.
2. I told you so! Trust us on this – these four words are rarely ever used in successful marriages. This kind of “comeuppance” has no place in a loving relationship. There is no need to remind your spouse that you were right about something and they were wrong. Talk about wasted criticism!
3. Saying “I am upset with you about this or that . . . .” in a public setting. Telling private secrets or criticizing your spouse in public or to someone else can do permanent damage to the trust in your relationship. True or not – it doesn’t matter. Keep private things private.
4. Why do you always . . . Focusing on your spouse’s weakness rather than building on their strengths will only increase their weakness and diminish their strength. This habit can send a relationship into a downward spiral if weaknesses are pointed out and commented upon. Success does breed success. Stick with the strengths and don’t focus on weakness.
5. Ask for your spouse’s opinion and then do the opposite. We have heard from many angry divorced or almost divorced couples that this is the greatest indicator of “disrespect.” If you ask where your spouse wants to go to dinner and he/she suggests a couple of places, then you select a different one, by your actions you said, “I do not respect your opinion and don't care what you think!”

Since saying negative or hurtful things can be damaging to a loving relationship, it is wise to take extra caution before engaging your mouth when these negative thoughts come into your mind. Here are some quick tips to help you THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!

1. Will my comment hurt? Sometimes we just blurt out things that are hurtful or negative without thinking about their impact.
2. Am I just mad and do I need to wait before I speak? When you are mad is not a good time to judge whether a statement will have long-lasting negative impact. Just be silent for a moment to determine if you are acting reasonably or if you are too mad to judge the damage you will invoke by your statement.
3. Is it worth it? There is so much long-term damage that can be caused by negative or hurtful comments that it really has to be a critically important issue to take that type of risk.
4. Could it be said a different way? Many times a negative or hurtful statement can be said in a positive manner with a bit of thought. Often with that bit of thought it will also be apparent that there really was no need to make the statement at all.

While actions speak louder than words, it is also true that words can help build an understanding between two people and cement a lasting relationship. On the flip side, all too often people forget that one negative or hurtful statement can undo an entire day’s positive actions and words, damaging the very core of the relationship. So, be mindful of choosing words that will enhance your relationship each and every day. Your spouse will love you for it!

When Am I Ready To Get Married

This morning we had a delightful radio interview with a New York radio station about our research on successful marriage. We have done a ton of these interviews since our book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of a Successful Marriage came out, and we enjoyed them immensely.
It is always a pleasure to share the “secrets” of successful marriage with our interviewer and his or her audience. Sometimes we answer questions from the listeners, sometimes just from the host of the show, and at times from both. In this business, you learn pretty quickly to talk on your feet as the questions often come rapid-fire, many of them are questions you’ve never heard before, and the time to answer them is usually quite short.
Fortunately, over time we have developed the “gift of gab.” And, because we know our subject quite well, based on our 26 years of research on successful marriage, most of our answers are easily retrievable from wherever it is stored in our respective brains!
This morning we got a question we have gotten before in some form or another, but not as directly or succinctly as the host asked it. His question – “When am I ready to get married?”
Over the years we have written about “How will I know I am in love?” We have waxed on about “the core values of successful marriage.” And more often than we can remember, we have encouraged those in love to take our scientifically based marriage quiz to determine their “marriage compatibility.” But the truth is, we have never directly addressed this important question. So today, we will do our best to share with you what we believe to be the answer to the question, “When am I ready to get married?”
First, the foundation of any successful marriage is friendship. Oh sure, there are marriages of convenience, marriages based on religious or cultural customs and marriages based on whim (think Las Vegas!). But the simple truth is, most all successful marriages that stand the test of time begin with true friendship. So ingredient number one is to consider your mate as your best friend.
Second, you must truly be in love. To know if you are really in love read our earlier blog “How will I know I am in love?” The answer to the question is more obvious than you think!
The third ingredient is the “core values of successful marriage.” Agreement on the core values is essential to building a healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationship. All too often, however, couples get married before they have honestly and truthfully determined the compatibility of their core value systems. Then guess what, they discover that all of the dreams and aspirations they have about their marriage aren’t possible because the foundation of their relationship has cracks even before they start building a life together. Core values such as integrity, trustworthiness and unconditional love do matter.
The fourth ingredient associated with knowing if you are ready to get married or not is very, very simple. As we have said over and over in our many writings and interviews, simple things matter! Successful marriage is an accumulation of having done the simple things. When you are contemplating marriage you should start carefully observing the actions and deeds of the one you think you love. You see, showing respect is one of those simple things and is easily observable. If the one you purport to love is rarely respectful towards you, trust us on this – it will not get better with time. Actions and deeds trump words every time!

When you are contemplating marriage you should start to pay very close attention to the one you think you love. Do they do the simple things day in and day out, or not?
Here’s a question to ask yourself, does he always get in line first at the fast-food restaurant to give his food order even though you, your parents, and others are in line with you? Does he open doors for you or does he go through the door first while he lets you fend for yourself? Does she want to tell you about her day but shows no interest in your day? You see, showing respect is a simple thing – and it is easily observable. There is nothing complicated about it. If the one you purport to love is rarely respectful towards you, trust us on this – it will not get better with time. Observe the actions and deeds of the one you are thinking about marrying. Actions and deeds trump words every time!
Simple things matter, and the simple truth is if you do not see the behaviors you want and expect from the one you are thinking of marrying, it will only get worse over time.
Deciding if you are ready to get married begins with love. Agreement on the “core values” of marriage will grow the love, and doing the simple things day in and day out will sustain the love. These simple truths should be self-evident. Learn and understand these simple truths today so you too can celebrate your Golden Anniversary.

Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage!

Marriage Has Huge Economic Advantages

We have found in our 30+ years of research on successful marriage around the world that being married has huge economic advantages. Doubters have challenged us to “prove it!” The latest proof is in the just released special report by the Heritage Foundation entitled, Marriage: America’s Greatest Weapon Against Child Poverty.

Being married has tons of advantages – love, companionship, children, shared responsibility, financial stability, and the like. But in the end, financial stability in the modern era may, in fact, drive almost everything else. We know this – among the principle advantages of marriage, is shared financial stability – now and in the future.

Here are the facts. The number one economic advantage of marriage is income! According to recent data reported by the U.S. Census Bureau and by the Heritage Foundation, the 2009 poverty rate for single parents with children in the USA was “37.1 percent.” The poverty “rate for married couples with children was “6.8 percent.” The Heritage Report goes on to say that being “raised in a married family reduces a child’s probability of living in poverty by nearly 82%.” Need we say more about being married and its positive impact on our children?

The sad reality is this – in 1964, more than 9 out of 10 children born in the USA were born to married parents. In 2010 that number had dropped to 6 in 10 – a one-third drop. If you wanted to know the single greatest cause of childhood poverty, look no further.

The terrible truth of the matter is this – the number of children born out of wedlock has increased to just over 40% in 2010. And make no mistake about it, most of the births of our “out of wedlock” children have come to women who have a high school degree or less – those women who have the most difficult time going it alone in the world – those who are most likely to raise their children in poverty.

Here’s the bottom line: the huge increases in child poverty are twofold – out of wedlock childbearing and increases in single parenthood. According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, some 71% of poor families with children are not married. So we ask this simple question – why would we continue to have children out of wedlock? What favors are we doing for our children? Why do we want to have children born in poverty? Why would we not want our children to be born out of poverty and with a reasonable chance of success?

Here is one undeniable fact – children born of married women who have some level of education beyond high school are much more likely to be born out of poverty. When it comes to child welfare, when it comes to combating poverty, get married!!

Now, on to another important fact in the battle for marriage. Income, income, income!

According to recent statistics, more than HALF of single mother families have an annual income of less than $25,000 per year. The median income for single mother families is also about $25,000. But imagine this – the median family income for married couple families is nearly $78,000 – more than THREE TIMES the income of single mother families!

Unbelievably, 41% of single-mother families live in poverty compared to only 9% for married-couple families – FOUR times as many! Moreover, 40% of single mothers are poor and nearly two-thirds of single mothers receive Food Stamps.

In the final analysis, married couples in the USA are no longer a majority according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In our estimation, that is a sad situation. This drop in marriage explains more than any other phenomenon, the substantial increases in child poverty and in the significant income disparity of married versus unmarried individuals.

In the end, the choice is yours. Do you want your children to live in poverty? Do you want to live in poverty yourself? Do you like the income difference between being married or not?

Here’s the deal – we do not advocate marriage for the sake of marriage, for eliminating poverty, or to address income disparity. We DO advocate marriage for the stability it provides our children, for the income stability it provides our families, and for the many positive opportunities marriage provides, in general, for all of us.

                  7 Actions To Build A Lasting Love

Falling in love is easy, but making love last takes hard work.  A successful marriage is an accumulation of having done the simple things day in and day out to build a lasting love. 

Yet, doing the simple things is difficult for many couples to put into practice in their everyday relationship.  Here are 7 actions you can take to build a lasting love:

1. Share life's burdens. Carry the burdens of your relationship on four shoulders, not just two. Learn to sense when your partner needs help, even when he does not ask for it. Helpfulness should become such a matter of habit that you will feel and act like a winning team.

2. Be the number one cheerleader for your spouse.  Be the number one cheerleader for the one you love.  Support your lover in every way you can.  Let your partner know just how important he or she is to you and to the rest of the world.

3. Compromise on a regular basis.  Compromise is a part of daily living in a relationship.  No one can have it all his or her way.  Discuss how the two of you make decisions.  Establish a plan to work through important issues until you both can find a mutually agreeable solution.

4. Talk opening about everything.  Couples must talk about anything and everything. In successful marriage there are no sacred cows—no secrets.  The same is true of your relationship right now.  Build those communication skill between the two of you right early in your relationship.

5. Leave anger outside the bedroom.  Never go to bed mad—talk it over first and settle things before sleeping.  You may have one very long night before going to bed, but you will get the problem resolved.  While this is the number one piece of advice from the thousands of happily married couples we have interviewed throughout the world, it is also true for your relationship right now.  Don’t part ways angry.  Solve the problem before you leave each other.

6. Use touching as your Morse code to make an exclamation mark of your love.  Touch your loved one as you compliment what you really like about the way your lover looks.  This little habit forces you to pay careful attention to the best qualities of the one you love.

7. Your marriage should be exciting, never be boring and be full of unpredictable things.  Don’t always do that which is predictable.  Upend expectancies.  Variety is the spice of life.  Bring that excitement into your relationship everyday. Your marriage will be stronger if you both develop a habit of using these 7 actions.  

Great marriages require much work on a daily basis to build habits of positive interactions and mutual support, but the benefits you will gain from a lifetime of successful marriage are tremendous.

None of the successful couples we have interviewed throughout the world over the past 33 years have said that their relationship was easy and everything was always fine.  They understood that the hard work they put into building their lasting love was totally worth it.

The Foundation of Love is Trust

Successfully married couples never cheat on their spouse! To be truly in love is to be unequivocally and unconditionally dedicated to the one you love. To betray your spouse in intimate ways is to destroy your relationship, make no mistake about that. Most marriages cannot recover from this form of betrayal. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it can.
In our interviews over the past 29+ years with couples that had a successful marriage we are always struck by their undying trust in each other. They literally trust each other with their lives, their well-being, and their sacred honor. The words they use to describe the one they love more often than not include words and expressions like trust, honesty, loyalty, respects me, admires me, always there for me, never lets me down, truthful, and never lies to me. Their trust for each other is about as complete as you can get. And when we ask couples in love during our interviews to place, in an overall sense, where their relationship is on a 10-point scale with 10 being “Absolute Trust,” without exception, they say “10!” Isn’t that wonderful? Remarkable? These are the couples that will celebrate their golden anniversaries together!
Trust is not something all loving relationships start with. For some couples the trust becomes complete in a few years. For others, it takes awhile. But one thing is for sure; happy and successful marriages and relationships survive and thrive on the basis of this trust. Trust is so pervasive in their relationship that they never give it a second thought. They expect it. It’s always there. It is part of the fabric of their relationship.
There is one thing you can take to the bank – all people in love have faced temptations in their relationship. The pretty girl in the restaurant captures your fancy. The handsome man walking down the street draws your attention. The flirt at work is tempting at times. And, we will dare say, sometimes in every relationship you think about slipping in the sack with some of the beautiful people you meet. But here’s where it stops – these are only fleeting moments of passing fancy. These are the moments of momentary lust for another human being that are not acted on.
Why? People in love who are happy in their relationships control their urges because they know that while a moment of sexual fantasy is healthy and normal, following through and enjoying sexual satisfaction with someone other than their mate – cheating on their mate – is destructive to the loving and trusting relationship between them. It’s okay to have sexual urges and fantasies regarding another person, but to act on them ruins all that trust. It destroys the tie that binds.
Couples who are truly in love in their relationship know that a few moments of sexual satisfaction can NEVER replace the loving, trusting, and caring relationship they have developed with their mate. As someone once said to us, “I have a marriage license but I didn’t give up my looking license!” Admiring others in intimate ways is normal and healthy. But acting on those urges has ruined many a marriage and many a loving relationship.
Those wonderful couples we have interviewed resist these normal urges and temptations of life because they know their relationship is no much more important to them. Destroying the trust between them causes the foundation of their relationship to crumble.
Character in a successful marriage or relationship does matter, and character is about trust. Being honest and trustworthy is at the heart of all the best loving relationships we have studied. It really is a 10 on a 10-point scale. In our estimation, character is the foundation of true love!
The foundation of true love is trust. Destroy that foundation and you destroy your love. When you do so there is rarely redemption – there is rarely ever reconciliation. Never forget this simple truth – there is character in the best loving relationships. Practice good character and your love will not only survive, it will thrive.
Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage!

Great Love Is Best Not Rushed

A few days ago we ran across a marvelous quote by Jonathan Carroll, author of Outside the Dog Museum. It goes like this:

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.”

We think this is wonderful advice for those “falling in love.” Too often, two people feel the early signs of a loving relationship only to move too fast and scare away the one they are falling in love with. Or worse yet, they become so enamored with “being in love” that they become blinded to the warning signs. They so desperately want to be in love and be loved that they miss important clues to the real feelings of the one they love.

In our many interviews over the years with individuals who have had a successful and long-term relationship with somebody, we have repeatedly heard this advice – go slow in the beginning.

You’ve heard the old expression, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” One thing for certain – neither was love. It develops over time. It requires patience. It requires self-examination. And it most certainly requires you to run slowly across fields until you find the proper footing, lest you fall down!

Building confidence in any budding love relationship takes time and commitment. It requires a level of objectivity about what is going on at a level you may have never reached before. People falling in love do not lie to each other, but they often lie to themselves about what is happening to them. They let feelings and emotions get the best of them before they are truly ready to share their heart with another – before they are ready to make the honest and caring commitment required to make love last.

Recently, someone sent us a copy of a beautiful essay entitled “Letters To My Son" 
by Kent Nerburn. Our favorite passage is excerpted below:

Here “is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long
without love, they understand love only as a need. The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as
their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need.
They cease to be someone who generates love and instead
become someone who seeks love. They forget that the
secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to
grow only by giving it away.”

The message here should be clear – love is a gift you give to someone, and if you are lucky, they give it back in return. But the real lesson here is that you need to step back and make sure that you feel good about giving your love away as a gift. And to do this takes time. It takes reflection. It requires being honest with yourself about what you are feeling and what you are giving away to another human being. Rushing to judgment about matters of such profound importance is never a wise thing to do. Giving love away takes time. Accepting true love takes courage. And trust. And time.

Recently, we wrote an article about love that captured the attention of many people around the world. We got many comments about it. Bloggers picked it up. People talked about it. We entitled our article, How Will I Know I Am In Love?.

Our essential message in that article is that there are clear and telltale signs for love. When you recognize those seven categories for knowing you are in love, honestly reflect upon them, and cherishing them as the gift of love that they are, you are in love. But don’t confuse your feelings of love for another, your gift of love to another, without also truthfully asking yourself, “Have I also received the gift of love from the one I love?”

When you feel good about giving your love as a gift and that feeling is reciprocated by the one you love, then you both are in love with each other. As Nerburn tells us, the “secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.”

True and lasting love takes time because true and lasting love is all about the reciprocal gift of love between two human beings. To be in love is to dash across the field of lilies on a beautiful spring morning unafraid to fall down as you leap into the arms of the one you love and who loves you. Go, be in love if you are ready to give the gift of love.

                              Successful Marriage

Did you ever wonder why some people find the perfect person to marry, do so, and enjoy a love affair that lasts a lifetime? On the other hand, some marry a person that is wrong for them now, wrong for them tomorrow, and wrong for them for a lifetime? What’s the difference? Why do some succeed at love and marriage where others fail?
One of our mentors, Don Clifton, the former CEO of the world renowned Gallup Organization (rest his soul), often reminded us of the power of “pervasive personality characteristics.” Don defined “pervasive” as “a recurring pattern of thought and behavior.” In other words, these are the personality characteristics that a human being develops within the first two decades of life that, for the most part, defines who they are for a lifetime. Don believed that you are what you are by the time you become an adult. Changing who and what you are becomes nearly impossible after that.

So what is the lesson in all this? Simple really. The people you meet in life are, by the time they reach adulthood, pretty much what they are. They won’t change much, if at all. The hard truth is, they can’t change who they really are, even if they wanted to. Oh, sure, people as adults can make you believe from time to time that they are something different than what they really are, but in the end, they are, well, they are what they are. Make no mistake about that.

When it comes to love and marriage, there is a truism that trumps all truisms. It goes like this – pay close and careful attention to the words, deeds, and actions of the person you think you are falling in love with. And in the end, pay most of your attention to their actions, first and foremost! The truth is a person’s actions speak so much louder than their words. Never lose sight of this truism for to do so is put your heart, your health, and your happiness at peril.

As love and marriage experts, one of the questions we are most often asked throughout the world is this: “What are the secrets of a successful marriage?” Our immediate answer is always the same – marry the right person!

On the surface this may seem like a flippant answer to such a serious question, but it isn’t really. If people who think they are falling in love with someone would pay more attention to their actions and not the words, they wouldn’t miss the telltale signs.

Here’s how it works. You think you love a guy. He tells you all of the right things. But over time you begin to notice that his actions belie his words. He tells you he respects you but dismisses your opinions. He waxes on about how he puts you on a pedestal but never opens the door for you when he gets to it first. He tells you how he wants the relationship between the two of you a shared relationship, and then he makes all the decisions. You get the idea. We could go on.

The point is this – if you fail to notice and question the actions of the one you purport to love in the early stages of your relationship then you are deluding yourself into thinking he/she will change later on. They rarely do. And so often, those that ignore the signs and the warnings end up getting married, only to discover later on that the person they married is not who they thought he/she was.

So, back to the earlier question – the best secret to a successful marriage is marrying the right person in the first place! Taking the time to carefully observe the actions of another person over a period of time tells you a lot more about them than their words ever could. All too often we hear one or both people in a marriage lament to us that if they had only paid attention to the telltale signs, they would not have married the person they married. Many of these relationships end in divorce.

We don’t mean to suggest that it is always easy to tell if the one you think you love is one you can have a successful marriage with. We do, however, believe strongly that paying close and careful attention to the one you are thinking about marrying in the early stages of your relationship can save a lot of failed marriages from happening in the first place. This is the ultimate key to a successful marriage.

If you consciously and rationally believe that the words, deeds, and actions of the one you are thinking of marrying all jive and are consistent, then your marriage has half a chance at being successful.

In the end, a marriage built on this foundation has a reasonable chance of success. And while we often say that a successful marriage is an accumulation of the simple things, and that a good marriage is simple to understand, we always remind people that you have to do the simple things each and every day of your lives together to make it work.

Making marriage a success requires hard work. If you base your marriage on a lie – you ignored the actions you were observing in the person you were falling in love with – then all of the simple things required to make a marriage work will more than likely not be enough to carry the day.

Pervasive characteristics in people are very real. They define who they are and they almost never change. As we always say, keep your eyes wide open when you are falling in love. You won’t regret it later.

One final note – never enter a marriage thinking you can ignore the behaviors now and change them later. Too many have fallen prey to this notion. It rarely ever works.

Simple things matter in love and marriage. Love well!

Five Things You Should Say to Your Spouse

Over the years we have heard advice from thousands of happily married couples regarding the important things you should say to your spouse everyday. These couples communicate effectively on just about every level and have learned how to build positive interactions with each other on a daily basis. As we studied our mountains of interview notes, important lessons emerged and they follow:
Here are their recommendations for the five things that you should say to your spouse everyday:
1. I love you. These are the three favorite words of every spouse. It is a simple, direct, powerful, and highly meaningful statement. And don’t fall into the trap of so many couples that say, “Oh, I don’t need to tell him I love you. He knows I do.” Not true! You still must still tell the one you love multiple times each and every day that you love them.
2. I am so lucky to be married to you! If you want to touch the heartstrings of the one you love, tell them this. Just imagine being reminded every day that you are a blessing to the one you share your life with.
3. You look beautiful (handsome)! There is a major truth we have learned over the years – successfully married couples really do find each other attractive. And you know why – because they look for the most positive characteristics in each other in both a psychological as well as a physical sense. Telling each other this daily is a powerful statement of love.
4. I would like your opinion and value our wisdom. Successfully married couples have great admiration and respect for each other. They value each other’s opinion. Their most trusted advisor in life is their spouse. Asking for your spouse’s opinion about issues and acknowledging their wisdom builds a strong bond between the two of you.
5. And finally, everyday of your life with the one you love, point out one of their strengths. Try this – “Sweetheart, did I ever tell you how much I admire the positive way you treat others?” Or, “Honey, you have such wonderful patience with the children!” Make sure the strength you highlight is a true strength. Each and every day, highlight one or more of your soulmate’s most positive virtues.
Begin a habit of positive interactions with your spouse by remembering to say these five things to the one you love everyday.

Simple things matter in love and marriage. Love well!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Here is an undeniable truth about life – actions speak louder than words!  We know, you’ve heard this all before!  But the truth is, you can, and must, judge a man by his actions and not by his words!
Words are cheap.  Actions mean everything!  The truth is always there for all to see when you observe the way people act and respond, rarely by what they say.  This truth is self-evident – good men practice what they preach.  Here’s why.
In answer to the question, “How will I know I can trust him?,” you must always remember this – you can tell a lot about a man by his actions.  How does he respond to you?  How does he treat you?  How does he treat your friends, your family, your children, his dog, and all of the others you love?  How does he treat the janitor?  The person who cuts your grass?  The checker at the supermarket?
Real men say what they mean and act the same way.  Real men, good men, decent men, will always demonstrate who they are by their consistent actions.  To know the real truth about a man – pay close and careful attention to him over a period of several weeks and then ask yourself this question – is he really what he appears to be?  Consistent actions on his part will tell you what you need to know, for good or for bad.
Lately, we have been working with a couple that has been married for nearly 20 years and they are calling it quits.  Why just today, she told us that it was time to get out of the relationship – time to “fish or cut bate.”  For nearly 20 years, her husband had mentally abused her and the children, while all the time boasting about how much he loved them.  Actions speak louder than words!
But the truth is, you can’t really love your children when you constantly berate them.  You can’t truly love anyone that you put down, yell at, or constantly point out their failings and their frailties.
When you love someone, you learn to live with their failings, their mistakes, and their transgressions.  In the end, you love them for what they are – for what they are in their heart and in their soul.
We all make mistakes.  We all do dumb things from time to time.  And the truth is, we more often than not, recover from the shortcomings we have.  Honest, one-time mistakes are forgivable.  On the other hand, repeated actions reveal who a person really is – for good or for bad.
A psychologist friend of ours reminds us from time to time about the “pervasive characteristics” present in human beings.  These are “recurring patterns of thought and behavior” that defines a person – that tells us who they are.  And recurring patterns of thought and behavior for the most part do not change when a person is an adult.  In reality, these pervasive characteristics define who you are.  Oh, sure, some people can cover up their real personality characteristics from time to time, but if you observe them long enough you will learn who they really are.
When someone you are observing over time repeatedly and consistently demonstrates through their actions and deeds the pervasive characteristics present in them you must pay attention!  If a man is truly a good person you can trust you will see it in their actions.  Don’t be fooled by words that are contrary to their actions.
All too often in life, people fall in love blindly.  They refuse to make note of how of the actions of another person define them.  They pay too much attention to words and way too little to actions.
When you fall in love make it for all the right reasons.  Don’t ignore the signs.  Don’t ignore the glitches.  Pay attention and your reward will, more often than not, be true love with a man you can trust.  Ignore his actions and you do so at your own peril.  Love well!

Great Marriages Require Unencumbered Time

Make no mistake about it – great marriages require unencumbered time!

You have read our musings about the fundamental predisposition of every human being to have time alone – to have time only to their private thoughts. In our book, Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage, we describe privacy and aloneness as one of the “seven secrets of successful marriage.”

In many ways, “unencumbered time” might, in fact, be the “eighth secret.” Everyone needs time alone – that’s an established fact. But just as importantly, everyone needs unencumbered time – time when nothing is planned, nothing is programmed, nothing is on your iCal calendar on your iPhone, and nothing is in the way of your completely spontaneous day!

Successfully married couples know this – there are days in their marriage and in their relationship when nothing should be planned, nothing should be scripted, and nothing should be in the way to a totally and completely unencumbered day.

We have interviewed couple after couple – thousands of them – on our journey around the world in search of the best marriages. Our travels have taken us to five continents, with the sixth coming this next year (we still haven’t figured out how to get to Antarctica to interview successfully married couples!).

On each continent, and with each successfully married couple we have interviewed, there are many truths we have learned, but first and foremost among them is this – unencumbered time is necessary to the health and well being of the best marriages.

Here’s how it works. The next time you and the one you love wake up in the morning, let it be your resolve for that day – plan nothing! Let your whim drive your day. When you get to the fork in the road, take it, as Yogi Berra used to say! Make choices for no particular reason.

To have a day without restrictions and without encumbrances is to have a day you will cherish. In our hectic, fast-paced lives, it is good to know that you can, in fact, slow down, smell the roses, and let your instincts guide your way.

So many marriages are predictable – everything is planned. But the truth is, that is not the way the best marriages go. The best marriages understand that there are days when you need time alone. The best marriages understand that there are days when you need to plan NOTHING!

Being spontaneous is the hallmark of the best marriages we have studied over the years. Placing trust in your collective ability to do what comes naturally and impulsively is, in fact, a wonderful indicator of the quality of your loving relationship. Trust yourself. Trust the one you love. Live dangerously!

Over the 43 years of our marriage, we have come to appreciate our unencumbered days. They have proven to be the best days of our lives together. Why don’t you try having an unencumbered day tomorrow!

Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage! Love well!

How To Talk Serious With Your Mate

Over the many years we have been conducting research about love and marriage, we are continually reminded of the important role effective communication between couples plays in the overall health and well being of their relationship.
The “heart of the matter” is this – successfully married couples report a high level of satisfaction with the way they communicate with each other, and they attribute their marital success first and foremost to the fact that they have honed their communication skills over time. Oh sure, in the early years even successfully married couples report that they struggled with all this, but over time they got better and better at it because they kept working at it.
So, what are the lessons we have learned from those couples that communicate really well – that communicate effectively on just about every level. As we poured over our many interview notes, seven important themes began to emerge and we are pleased to share them with you.
1. Effective marital communication always begins with proper engagement and in a proper context. There is a time and place for everything and communicating effectively with each other is no exception. Talking about serious matters cannot occur effectively when dealing with chaos – children who need to be fed, a blaring television in the background, when both of you have iPods plugged into your ears, or when you are in different rooms of the house engaging in different activities, where shouting is the only alternative!
2. There is proper etiquette to follow in effective communication. Remember, you can’t communicate effectively with each other when you are both talking at the same time. It’s hard to listen when one or the other is doing all of the talking! You can’t hear effectively if you both are shouting at each other. It is always better to lower your voices and speak in a calm manner. Remember, it is never a good idea to blame, accuse, call names, or make nasty remarks. Being ready to communicate and follow these basic rules of engagement will get you off to a good start.
3. Discussions about serious issues must always begin with agreement about what the issues really are. Until you work to identify the issue, establish the parameters of the discussion, and agree to solve the problem or issue together, it is hard, if not impossible, to get your communication with each other up to the level required for proper resolution of the challenge you are confronting. Sometimes the debates and discussions with each other become like two ships passing in the night – they never see, listen, or learn from each other – they are just two ships passing in the night.
4. A fruitful conversation about important matters always begins with the brainstorming of ideas. It is important to get your respective ideas out on the table. Talk about the relative strengths and weaknesses of each. Agree on ideas worth exploring. When you agree on a plan, stick to it. When the two of you share the responsibility for the direction or directions you take, you will both feel much more buy-in and commitment, and you will be much more willing to share responsibility for the outcome, good or bad.
5. The precursor to successful marital communication is confidence. Developing the ability to communicate effectively allows for an open and honest expression of opinions and ideas. Being allowed to express a contrary opinion without shouting it out is one of the first signs that you are becoming a confident communicator with your mate. Having you or your spouse disagree with each other’s opinions without either getting defensive or unnecessarily argumentative is a clear sign of maturity in your communicative relationship. Successfully married couples tell us they learned these lessons early on and worked on being confident in their expressions everyday. It may start slow early in your relationship but daily practice builds momentum. When either or both mates lack confidence in their ability to communicate with their spouse, effective communication is greatly hindered.
6. Never, we repeat, never be judgmental when debating issues with your mate. Passing judgment on an idea at the drop of a hat is usually the death of open and honest debate between two people. When you say something like, “That is a stupid idea” or “That is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” you are putting an arrow through your spouse, and it hurts! When they close down and refuse to further discuss the issue(s) you were debating, then all exchanges end. No solutions are found. And the truth is, the wounds caused by this action further erode the ability of the two of you to engage in healthy exchanges – in healthy debate in the future.
7. Simple things matter when it comes to discussions about tough or challenging issues. When serious issues arise and the two of you need to deal with them, there are some simple things that you can do to insure that your exchanges become part of a rational discussion rather than an argument or an endless diatribe about why your mate is wrong. Learn these simple lessons – listen intently to what your spouse is saying; make eye contact with them; turn off all electronic appliances (TV, radio, music, iPod, etc.) so as not to be distracted during your conversation; seek clarification when you don’t understand or comprehend something; hold hands when you debate; and never make disagreements personal. Lessons to live by, for sure! The successfully married couples we have interviewed over the years report to us that they never felt invalidated by their spouse, that they always felt their arguments were heard, and that their opinions always mattered. Having a successful marriage is not all that complicated. Learn the simple lessons of communication that these wonderful couples have taught us – and have now taught you! Simple things matter in love and marriage. Love well.

Is Time Alone Necessary for Your Marriage

Make no mistake about it – great relationships require time alone – time away from each other!
We have witnessed time and time again marriages in which one or both partners failed to understand the importance of being alone, not only for themselves, but for their spouse as well. When we first introduce this concept to others, the reaction is usually one of surprise. Many couples are of the mistaken notion that they are to be constantly attentive to their spouse. While their intentions are good, their desire to be attentive causes them to, in fact, interfere with the quality of their communicative relationship with each other. The desire for too much time together can inadvertently drive a wedge between a husband and wife. Isn’t that ironic?
In all probability, many couples believe that quantity of time together is the most important characteristic of their relationship. Instead, the “law of diminishing returns” comes into play here.
The economists would explain it something like this. Let’s say you buy a case of your favorite cola and decide to drink it all in one setting. The first cola tastes great. Perhaps the first two or three taste good. But after about four or five, the quality of taste begins to diminish. If you were to drink the whole case in one setting, you would like each cola less and less until you reached a point where you began to absolutely hate your favorite cola.
The “law of diminishing return” seems to appropriately describe many marriages. More is not always better. Give your spouse some privacy . . . the opportunity to be alone. Expect the same opportunity for yourself. Don’t allow communication in your marriage to fall victim to the “law of diminishing return.”
Being alone to your thoughts provides for you a periodic psychological renewal. A few moments alone to your thoughts each day frees the spirit and cleanses the soul. Do not deny yourself or your spouse these moments of alone time.

How Important Is Touching To Your Marriage?

During our interviews with married couples in 47 countries on all seven continents of the world, we have paid a lot of attention to their body language and their tactile interactions. More often than not, they sit on the couch during our interview with them and hold hands or place some part of their body on their mate’s body. It is their way of saying “I love you so much I simply must touch you.” So why all of this touching?
We have been married for 46 years ourselves and simply can’t keep our hands off of each other! For many years, we thought we were unique until we began our marriage research some 30+ years ago.
Wow, did we get a big surprise -- virtually every happily married couple we interviewed reported the same condition! Over time we have come to call this the “tactile response.” Literally translated, it means, “I touch you here, I touch you there, I touch you everywhere!” Touching is the elixir of a successful marriage! Touching is key to a successful marriage.
Successfully married couples know virtually everything about each other. They have studied in infinite detail how their spouse looks, feels, and acts. They know what makes their love work, and can recite in scripture and verse the best qualities of each other. They express their admiration about each other. They love each other for a whole bunch of reasons, and they don’t mind telling you what they are.
What do their words about each other have to do with touching? Here’s what we have observed—when couples tell us something special about their spouse in response to our questions, they touch each other as if to emphasize the importance of their words. Touching is like an exclamation mark!
Over time, we believe that these couples, like the two of us, say these words with a touch without always saying the words out loud. Touching becomes a special kind of a Morse Code—a substitute for language and the expression of feeling. Happily married couples have mastered the Morse Code of marriage – it’s called touching.
One couple with an amazingly successful marriage explained that if they pass each other 100 times a day, they touch each other 100 times a day. This couple truly understands the concept of “I love you so much I simply must touch you.” When you touch someone, you are acknowledging their presence and expressing genuine love.
Creating a successful relationship or marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your next relationship work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts
Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.

Love By Bullying Never Works

Don’t you just hate bullies! They try to get what they want by bullying you, by intimidating you, and by making you feel inferior to them. If you are like us, this NEVER works! Yet, so many good folks succumb to the bully. And we wonder why?

So what is a bully? In the simplest terms, a bully is someone who can’t get what he/she wants through normal means. What they want is power. When you deny them that power they resort to forceful means to get what they want.

Here is how it works in love and marriage. One of the folks in the relationship wants something – be it a new car, a new apartment, a new dishwasher, or a new toy of some variety. The other person involved in the relationship does not. As you might guess, all heck breaks loose!

The “bully” in the relationship must get what he/she wants. So instead of acting rationally (i.e., Do we have enough money to pay for this?), the bully resorts to name-calling (i.e., You are always keeping me from buying things!”), intimidation (“If you don’t let me buy this I am walking out the door.”), or they resort to making you feel inferior (i.e., How could someone like you be so stupid?”).

If you are like most people, you would rather “have peace.” So in the interest of maintaining harmony in your relationship, you fall prey to the bullying – you give them what they want.

But here is the deal – this strategy never works! You give them what they want and they then do it to you again! You always succumb to their wishes. You always lose. Letting them win is a bad idea.

Truth is, real loving relationships are not about you and me, they are about US! They are about WE. As we are fond of saying, “It takes two to Tango.” You cannot Tango by yourself. Until you learn this important lesson in your relationship, your relationship will be doomed to failure. Finding the courage to stand up to a bully is perhaps the only way to effectively stop the bullying.

So, how do you handle the bully in your loving relationship?

The answer in a nutshell is, never succumb to their wishes when they resort to bullying. Keep your composure. Follow the wisdom of Rudyard Kipling when he says:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same.

The simple truth is, bullies should never be allowed to win – even if they are your lover or your spouse. True loving relationships are about making important decisions together. Once you fall into the trap of intimidation and bullying, your relationship begins its dissent into the poverty of your relationship. Rarely does a relationship recover from this.

Be strong. Be brave. Never succumb to a bully, even if it is someone you love deeply, as to do so diminishes the value of your relationship, forever.

These are among the most important lessons of love and of life.

Simple Things Matter in Love and Marriage!

6 Mistakes Newlyweds Make

So much of marriage advice today is too complicated and too out of touch with contemporary marriage.  In the end, the best advice we have learned over the years for newlyweds is like our recurring message – simple things matter in love and marriage! 
Unfortunately, dreaming of “happily ever after” can create unrealistic expectations and lots of problems down the road.
Over the past three decades we have researched marriage around the world and have discovered six mistakes newly married couples should never make!  They are not complicated.  They are not preachy.  And frankly, they appeal to those who want common sense approaches to a successful marriage.
Here are the six mistakes newly married couples should never make:
1. Never go to bed mad at each other.  Going to bed angry is toxic!  This is the number one piece of advice from successfully married couples around the world. Don't listen to the “so called experts” who say you can sleep on it and talk about it in the morning when you are calmer.  This is just NOT true!
2. Don't mount up a truck load of debt when you first get married.  Wracking up too much debt is pure poison when it comes to your marriage. Keep the use of credit cards under control.  The single greatest cause of divorce and marital discourse is debt and other financial-related issues.
3. Never make assumptions about what your new spouse likes, dislikes, enjoys, or thinks.  Assumptions lead to trouble – and men who order for their wives could end up eating alone.  Ask them!  The old adage is certainly true that to assume is to make an “ass out of you and me!” And the corollary is, never ignore behaviors in your spouse that bother you.  Talk about them.  It will strengthen your relationship if you talk out issues calmly and respectfully.
4. Don't get into role stereotypes early in your marriage.  Phrases such as “that’s a man’s job” or “that’s woman’s work” have no place in modern romances.  Early role assignments based on stereotypical roles will only create imbalance and potential frustration later.  Take the time to talk about each of your strengths, what responsibilities best fits each person, and how the two of you can share the burdens of life together in your marriage.  Think in terms of “us” and “we” instead of “you” and “me.”
5. Don’t tally or keep score of wins and losses.  Couples should never ignore bothersome behaviors, but “keeping score” or holding grudges is NOT OK. There are no winners and losers in a great marriage.  You can’t hold grudges and you shouldn’t cast blame when things go wrong.  Don’t be afraid to argue and debate an issue.  Just remember to fight fair and learn to argue effectively.  It will serve your marriage well down the road.
6. Never lie to your spouse or make promises you cannot keep.  Little white lies and broken promises erode the glue that holds marriages together.  Even small lies can form a habit of dishonesty in your relationship.  Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship.  Dishonesty erodes the very essence of the bond between the two of you.
Marriage isn't fair, just, and beautiful all the time.  Just like life, marriage comes with its ups and downs.  If you go into marriage believing it will be like a Hollywood movie with roses, sunshine, no responsibilities, and no setbacks, you are in for a big disappointment.  Every successful marriage has to deal with setbacks.
You see, successful marriage is not all that complicated. The fact is, if married couples would do the simple things that matter day in and day out in their marriage, and avoid making any of the six mistakes, they would have a great chance of becoming a successfully married couple.  A great marriage is no more complicated than that!

Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.

 Credit: Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

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