4 Steps To Handling STRESS In Your Marriage
Discover how to stay sane when a spouse loses their job and reduce the stress in your life.
My initial reaction was to get more productive in my work. I had the best summer on record for my business. Unfortunately, getting more business didn't actually resolve the stress I felt internally and it did nothing for him. In fact, I found that the pressure just built up. It was at that time that I then returned to what I know works. The following four steps helped us to thrive during this time.
1. Intention
Set an intention for things to be better. Ask yourself, in what specific ways do you want things to be better than when your partner was in his/her previous position? Trust that this is possible and do your best to let yourself surrender into that possibility.
An additional intention could be to enjoy this time and treat it like a gift and well deserved break for your spouse that can nurture him. The key to having peace during this time is to trust the process.
More on that later. Create a practice of setting intentions for the day and the future each morning (or night before you go to bed). Simply write down what is possible that you'd like to have happen in your life. If you are resistant to setting intentions, at least clear your mind of negative expectations (usually perpetuated by fear). To clear your mind, you may want to listen to a guided relaxation audio that takes your mind off fearful thoughts and gives you a new perspective.
2. Honor Your Feelings.
If you find yourself with feelings of desperation, control, and fear, by all means acknowledge the feelings. Feelings are messages from your soul that need their say and want to be felt. Spend some time (which may be uncomfortable) exploring the feelings consciously.
What does that mean? Well, start being curious about the feeling. Don't try to just numb it out with alcohol, distractions, food, shopping, gambling, gossiping, complaining. or other avoidance mechanisms. Those behaviors will actually exacerbate the feelings and cause more distress.
Instead, lay on your bed and ask yourself, "what am I feeling?" Stay with that question beyond the simple answer that comes up. If you go beyond the reaction, and breathe into this feeling as if you were listening to a highly respected person who was speaking a foreign language and had an extremely important message for you. Like learning a new language it takes patience and attention.
Practice doing this consistently and you will create greater awareness about the feeling and about yourself. Furthermore, the better you get at listening to this foreign speaker, the more the feeling can resolve itself without you doing anything else. Caution: while laying on your bed "feeling" do your best to avoid "thinking" about your situation and/or or partner.
Avoid going into justifications, complaints, and rationalizing your feelings. Rather let the feelings be there. As you breathe into them notice if they change or if a new awareness comes to you. Be curious and then ask, "What is the underlying desire of your heart that is driving this feeling?"
3. Take Care of Yourself.
If there are people in your life who you care about you and know you are feeling extra stress during this time, they have probably encouraged you to take care of yourself. I agree. Think about taking a nap or a bath. Lighting some candles and put on some soothing music.
Take time to nurture yourself. Can't think of what to do? What would you tell your best friend to do to take care of herself? Do something special that you know you enjoy... pick flowers, walk in the park, sing a song, dance. If you have something you enjoy doing that nurtures you, please comment below and share your ideas. This may help another woman who is waiting for your ideas on the perfect special way to cultivate some joy.
Another way to take care of yourself and your feelings is to channel the energy of your feelings to something healthy for you. Some people like to run, walk, dance, hula hoop, garden or do a favorite form of movement or exercise.
Using color, collage, or clay can also be a great way to allow your feelings to express themselves and have their say. Singing, dancing and writing (as in a journal) also work. Channeling your energy is very different than avoiding the feelings. This is a conscious act of using the energy you have to support you.
4. Trust the Process.
The most rewarding step is letting go of expectations and trusting that everything will work out for the best in the right time. Think of it this way. There is a bigger plan that you can't even imagine. But it is working out for your highest good and better than you could even ask for or create on your own.
If you let go of your need to have a resolution right now, and instead hold your intention, then let the plan play out. You might be amazed at how good things happen.
To summarize, here are the steps to making a spouse's layoff as positive and productive as possible:
1. Set an intention to have things be better
2. Be honest about your fears and find healthy way to channel this energy
3. Take time for yourself
4. Trust the process
Remember to give yourself a break. Know that you are of great value and things will work out.
The Secret To Taking Baby-Making From Stressful To SEXY
Throw away the basal thermometer! Baby-making sex doesn't have to feel forced.
I kept hearing stories of how babymaking sex was just the pits. Women were obsessively tracking their cycles, taking their temperatures and telling their husbands, "Impregnate me now, goddammit! I'm fertile!" Obviously, such niceties as slow seduction went out the window. Foreplay seemed so ... contrived, and every deep thrust was so obviously filled with babymaking desperation.
The thing is, stress can affect your fertility levels, making it even more difficult to conceive (which is a total bummer for those who are feeling stressed out over their low fertility levels). Those who struggle with anxiety are actually 12 percent less likely to conceive during even the most fertile days in their cycle. So when we decided to start trying, I took a deep breath, ordered some Pre-seed (a fertility-friendly lubricant, because—lord knows—my nether regions needed the help), and pointedly refused to go into contortions around all those cycle trackers and basal thermometers on the market.
Granted, my husband at first resented feeling like a baby-making factory every time I asked for sex. (Calling it "baby-making sex" could have been part of the problem.) But the more we had sex, the more I actually wanted to have sex. Not baby-making sex. Just ... sex. And once it became clear that I was actually (wonder of wonders) horny, he was all for it.
So why did the added pressure of baby-making suddenly make sex so sizzling hot for me? To put it simply, the more you have sex, the better it feels (and the more you want it). Practice makes perfect, and practice also makes for higher libido levels.
Because baby-making forced me to make sex a higher priority — something I found difficult in my pre-babymaking days — sex suddenly became sexy.
Has anyone else experienced this? Did baby-making sex make things even hotter for you? Or was it just plain horrific, and you think I'm perhaps an insane person?
More Tips
12 Ways To Bring The Sexy Back To Your Relationship
1. Up The Kinky
Upping the kink factor in your relationship can actually be a great way for those of us who are more vanilla to break out of shells and experiment with something new. It can also be a way of feeling closer to our partner.
"This being said, there may be behaviors that you are just not open to doing and that is OK too," says Dr. Kat Van Kirk, a clinical sexologist, marriage and family therapist, author and host. Partners should have enough sensitivity to work you into these behaviors as well as be ok with some hard and fast boundaries. Many people into kink have learned to be very good negotiators sexually as very few people have exactly the same proclivities.
Relaxing allows you to be more aware of your sexual energy, enhances sexual feelings, and frees you up to respond sexually, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.
For example, allow time for morning sex when you are still relaxed from sleep, or after a nap. Save some water by showering together sometimes and let nature take its course. Maybe summon up your teenage hormones and try some naughty petting in the backseat of your care after date night. Whatever you do, just go with what feels natural, and make sure to have fun. That's what great sex is all about.
Many men get off on porn, ladies on erotica—but we all love a bit of scintillation. Make it more personal with a service like Hoochy Mail Service, suggests Denise Beauregard, owner of Urban Intima Inc., an online intimate apparel retailer.
Hoochy mail is a free online erotic mail service that allows users to customize erotic stories written by the sender to the recipient. They can be romantic, sexy, or off the wall. If you were to send this to your significant other (his personal email only please, no need to peak an employers' curiosity) well, let's just day this move can make a man come straight the hell home.
Most occasions, we send flowers, candy, maybe a teddy bear. Kick things up a notch with a delivery like Spicy Subscriptions, which discreetly delivers fun and flirty romantic surprises to your door. Every month you’ll be treated to romantic gifts, fun toys, massage oils, lingerie and more, which you can then "try out" together!
The best beginning for a lovely sexual encounter is a good, honest and open conversation, says Tessina. When you were new lovers, you talked and sex was easy. Frequently make time to "catch up" with each other over an unhurried dinner or breakfast. Express your hopes and dreams, clear the air, and you can both relax. From there, it's not such a long distance into the bedroom.
Select 12 items to hide around the house unbeknownst to one another and write out your clues. As each one of you find a clue you take a roll of the dice and do the roll, says Beauregard. The possibility of 24 acts of love and lust minimum, what thrill and this does not take into account any of the main events.
Physical agility can be helpful, but emotional flexibility will really
improve your sex life, says Tessina. The longer you and your partner are together, the more you need options. Quickies are great fun when you're pressed for time, and morning hanky panky can make the whole day more exciting. Take things up a notch with a touch of role-play, says Tessina.
Act out all the silly, forbidden or exciting fantasies like nurse and patient (or doctor), children "playing house", famous movie star and adoring fan, or your two favorite characters from a soap opera, novel or movie. If you feel a little silly, laughter will only make it more fun.
Open a dialogue about what really turns the both of you on and don't do it while you are in the middle of having sex. Be honest about what scares you and why. Lots of people who think of BDSM assume that it's all whips and chains but in actuality there are a whole spectrum of behaviors from mild spanking to light bondage with silk ties.
"It is both partners' responsibility to be gentle and really know what they are doing; while remain opening and communicating their needs. For instance, most people in the kink community know that it is the "bottom" or the person having things done to them that is actually in control of the play," says Dr. Kat.
If you removed all of the negative self-talk from your head, are there
situations that titillate you, even a little? Some guys feel the need to
get over the idea of feeling threatened by a woman who is kinkier than
he is. Some are afraid of being judged by others if they ever found out
and some, well they are just not wired that way.
"Once you've looked at your fears, I always suggest trying something new. If you don't like it, you can always communicate that. I find that most people don’t know what they are missing though. Once you can learn to open up sexually, often times you feel emotionally more connected as well just by sharing the experience," says Dr. Kat.
"Once you've looked at your fears, I always suggest trying something new. If you don't like it, you can always communicate that. I find that most people don’t know what they are missing though. Once you can learn to open up sexually, often times you feel emotionally more connected as well just by sharing the experience," says Dr. Kat.
If you're thinking "the idea of sex is nice but I’m way too stressed to get there," get your partner an aromatherapy massage candle to slow things down and heat things up, suggests sexologist Emily Morse, host of the podcast Sex with Emily.
Just light the candle and let it make a nice pool of warm luxurious massage oil (it's not waxy or hot), then drip it from a foot above those body parts (yours or your partner's) that need special attention. Start massaging the oil into the skin and go from there. You can even use them on my self as a body moisturizer every day.
The couples that play together, stay together. Once you put away the Monopoly set, pull out a sexy board game to get you going and get you in the mood, says Dr. Morse. Try the Love or Lust board game, if you want some flirty fun or the Bondage Seductions Game if you've been wanted to kink things up.
A vibrator will enhance your sex life with or without a partner. You can get one to enhance your solo time and find those other pleasure spots, like the Fifi for extra G-spot stimulation or try Lifestyles’ His and Her pleasure massagers, which provide wonderful vibrating stimulation for men and women, says Dr. Morse. Ring in the New Year with a buzz, not a hangover.
End and continue Relationship Challenges:
Shhh! 10 Phrases Your Guy NEVER Wants To Hear
An honest relationship is one thing, but consider keeping these 10 comments to yourself.
Sometimes, a comment that seems perfectly harmless to you might be hurtful, awkward or just plain irritating to your boyfriend.
Excelle has identified 10 such comments. Ignore us at your own risk.
1. "My ex did the exact same thing!"
Whether it's a positive correlation (they both always hold the door open) or a negative one (neither one showers often enough), your boyfriend never wants to hear that he's anything like your ex. Ever.
You don't want him to feel like you're always comparing the two of them, do you? Think about it: Do you really want him to imagine that he does other things just like your ex? Doubtful. Plus, he might think you're still hung up on your former flame.
Either way, a comment like this won't do much for his self-esteem. So the next time you experience boyfriend deja-vu, keep it to yourself.
2. "Helen's pregnant… Shhhh."
Remember on Sex and the City when Carrie tells Aidan that Miranda's pregnant but that he can't tell Steve? Remember how upset Aidan was to hear the incriminating news? Your boyfriend doesn't want to hear information that could get him into trouble. And even if he does want to hear it, he really shouldn't. Don't burden him with someone else's secret. And besides, if he does spill the beans, your friend is going to be mad at you, not him.
Along the same lines, he doesn't want to hear about your friend's yeast infections, her irregular periods or her IBS. It's bad enough he has to hear about yours.
It's natural to fantasize about wedded bliss and the three kids you and your beau will one day spawn — you're only human. And sometimes you might even entertain this fantasy very early on in a relationship. But unless you want to scare him away permanently, keep thoughts like these in your head where they belong.
Even if he himself has thought about your happily-ever-after future, he probably doesn't want to hear it described out loud just yet. Wait until you're sure you're on the same page regarding marriage, kids, and the future of your relationship before you start prophesizing. A gut feeling probably isn't good enough.
4. "Do you think she's pretty?"
When you ask a question like this, your boyfriend knows he can't win.
If he says "yes," you'll probably get jealous and upset (whether or not you show it, see #5). You might even follow up with "Is she prettier than me?" Talk about a loaded question!
Of course, if he says "no" (and she clearly is pretty), you'll accuse him of being a liar. You'll wonder what else he's lying about, even as you assure him you don't mind if he says "yes." Pfff…as if you're that insecure!
Has he managed to convince you that he genuinely doesn't find her attractive at all? You'll wonder what his bad taste says about you.
See?
5. "I'm fine" or "Nevermind"
Your face says it all. So does the fact that you haven't said a word in the past hour. And the way you snapped over the misplaced remote control isn't hiding anything either. But when he asks if you're okay, you say you're fine. At this point, your boyfriend wants to tear his hair out.
Passive-aggressive behavior doesn't help anyone. First, you miss an opportunity to actually address what's bothering you. You also bottle up your frustrations and create new problems. By the time you actually try to tackle what's really bothering you, you're both too upset about too many things to have a constructive discussion.
6. "I just farted."
In a man's mind, women only use the bathroom to re-apply their lipstick (or, at the very worst, pee). They know they're kidding themselves, but they really don't want any physical, verbal, or olfactory indication of the contrary.
Telling him you farted means he can no longer blame the dog. Suddenly, you're one of the guys, and not in a sexy, "I watch football and drink beer but I'm still a girly-girl" kind of way.
Sure, he'll get over it. He may even laugh about it from time to time. But he'd still prefer that it never happened. So depending on how squeamish your guy is, you might want to wait till you're married to be disgusting.
7. "I'll try anything once!"
Because unless you really, really, really mean it, don't get his hopes up.
8. "Are you sure you're okay?"
Sometimes we're thrown off guard when our guy is uncharacteristically quiet. We'll prod and probe, hoping to get to the bottom of their issue (and too often, we're absolutely sure it's something we've done). When in reality, there may not be a concrete reason at all.
Men have bad days too — they can be moody, tired, or just generally not feel like talking. They're only human! As hard as it can be, don't read into it too much. Give him his space and keep yourself busy until he snaps out of it.
Ask him what's bothering him over and over again and the only honest answer will be "You."
9. "I hate my thighs"
If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't be with you in the first place. Period, end of story.
Putting yourself down in front of him makes you look insecure, and just in case you didn't know, men really hate that (see #6). Just like women, they're usually attracted to self-confidence and put off by its opposite.
Think about it. Would you want to be with a man who constantly talked about how much he hated his calves or how he felt like a failure in his career? Uh, no way.
In addition, you'll draw attention to flaws that he probably never even noticed before. No one else looks as closely at your body as you do. In all likelihood, you are your own worst critic. Don't recruit him.
10. "I hate your mom."
Likewise for his friends, his siblings, his dad … even his dog.
If he really loves someone or something, don't hate on 'em. You may not get along perfectly with everyone in his life, but try your hardest to be diplomatic in your relationships with people he really cares about. Be open-minded about what he sees in them (things that may not be immediately obvious to you).
Maybe Deadbeat Dave is his oldest friend — the person he survived middle school with; the only person who stood by him when he lost his job a couple years back. Maybe despite his lack of attention to hygiene, he's got a heart of gold.
If you love your man, you'll trust his judgment.
And whatever you do, don't ever make him pick a side. If it's between you and his mom, you'll lose every time.
Don't let the stress of parenthood take away the love you have for each other.
Here are 15 tips to help you navigate your way through this amazing journey of building your family:
1. Remember, you're the parents.
2. Cheer each other on.
There is a learning curve during this new phase of your life—as a couple, as parents, and as yourself. Place patience and encouragement at the top of your list.
3. Show mutual respect.
You’re both doing the best you know how. Your partner will continue to strive to give you his or her best when you encourage rather than ridicule for their mistakes or lack of confidence.
4. Explore your differences.
This doesn’t mean one person is right and the other is wrong. It simply means there’s more than one way to do things. This is yet another opportunity to learn from each other and take the very best of what you each have to offer as parents.
5. Eliminate score keeping.
The “who puts in more effort” game has no winners. All contributions are important. Ask for more help if you need it, but ask with love and gratitude rather than from anger and expectation.
6. Reveal your greatest fears.
All parents have fears. You might not have experienced those fears before having children and the fears can surprise you. Unrevealed fears are potentially a major cause of tension in your relationship.
7. Honor your partner’s fears.
The fear is still there even if you see no logical reason for your partner’s fear. The more you listen with compassion and ask questions, the more your partner will share and the sooner the fear can be eliminated or lessened with your support.
8. Treat your partner as an equal parent.
A “since I’m home more with our child, my decisions hold more weight” attitude will only push your partner away and create a rift between the two of you. Consider all choices so you both feel equally valued.
9. Seek to understand new behaviors.
Having a child can reveal things about your partner you never saw before. Discuss any new behaviors that are causing friction to learn what’s creating this behavior.
10. Focus on the strengths first.
Remind your partner of all the things they do well as a parent if they’re struggling with a baby issue. Then ask your partner if they would like some input or prefer working through it alone.
11. Express your concerns to each other.
Mom, if you no longer feel sexy or desirable, it’s critical you share this with your partner. Let him help you find your sexiness again. Dad, if you still find your partner attractive but seeing her in the role of mother interferes with your ability to reach out sexually, tell her so she knows you still think she’s beautiful. Let her show you she’s more than just a mother.
12. Do it now, anyway.
You’re headed for disaster if you wait to have sex until you’re perky again. Push through being tired and just go for it! When you do, you’ll sleep more soundly in your lover’s arms.
13. Keep your bedroom your sanctuary.
It’s so important to have a space that reminds you that you’re not just parents—you’re lovers AND best friends.
14. Watch your child together as he or she sleeps.
You are the only people in the universe who could have given life to this person. Knowing how much you love your little miracle, tell each other how grateful you are to have found one another and formed this family.
15. Lighten up.
The more you laugh the more loving you’ll feel. Laugh at each other. Laugh at yourself. Share it with your partner when you can find the humor underneath the stress.
Linda Salazar, founder of Your Heart Is In Your Hands, is a Relationship Coach, author, speaker and media personality working with smart, proactive, spiritually open women who are ready for remarkable relationships. Experiencing heartbreak or struggling to find a relationship that makes your heart sing?
Your Stress Is Making Your Husband Sick, Says Study
This takes "happy wife, happy life" to a whole new, scary level.
A new study found that the cardiovascular system is very much affected by a marriage full of drama.
Husbands tend to get high blood pressure when their wives are stressed, and these symptoms get worse if the mariage tanks. The correlation between these symptoms and marriage quality is so strong that a bad marriage can be a prediction of health issues to come.
So what's the deal? Why do our husband's respond to our stress this way? They're sensitive — that's why.
"We were particularly fascinated that husbands were more sensitive to wives' stress than the reverse especially given all of the work indicating that wives are more affected by the marital tie. We speculate that this finding may result from husbands greater reliance on wives for support which may not be provided when wives are more stressed," says lead author of the study Kira S. Birditt in a press release.
Perhaps a couple's yoga session is in order?
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